Friday, 23 May 2014
Sunday, 11 May 2014
Midnight in Paris
"We all fear death and question our place in the Universe.
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence"- Midnight In Paris
Friday, 9 May 2014
For those who have realized that their true family is the world
I wonder how many of us have been called a failure by our own family because we are not able to fulfill their idea of success. I ask myself that at times whereI feel the pressure coming from family members. I am 25 years old, not married, with no children, a web content writer--a job that is not considered an official job by many because it gives me many hours of free time and I own my time.
There are a lot of people like me, we do not fit into the stereotype of life and many parents, siblings, aunts and uncles question our mere existence--because we chose to live anothre kind of life. I dont wear a corporate suit, I do not go inside an office, I have no car...I walk...I walk hundreds of miles to take pictures of trees....
I am one of them, one of those individuals who chose to live my life according to my rules. I could have easily followed what my parents wanted me to be.
I could have taken up Nursing so that I can bring home thousands of dollars to my own family like majority of my classmates did. I could have chosen to become a doctor like my dad.
Instead I rebelled against the idea and took up Philosophy in College a so called non-existent course because it does not pay well and guess what all of those philosophical principles have led me to escape the idea of suicide--it taught me to question everything about my life--and to seek and to seek--a learning that thousands of dollars would not be able to convince me to do----
I took another course which is related to teaching--units in Social Studies-- I am a teacher and I have a license but I chose not to teach inside the classroom because I feel that even though it is a noble job that is not the path to learning because you wil get stuck inside a classroom--I hate routines.
I don't believe me should be grading children from 65-95..intelligence cannot be graded. I do not like correcting test papers. I only give public lectures for free because when I am inspired for the day and I want to share the feeling of inspiration and joy that I felt--i share it with friends...
In many ways I am still a teacher... a teacher who has chosen to teach a wider classroom--the world...I have no awards...no records of any paper trail from any company. I did try becoming a call center agent I ended up depressed due to the lack of sunshine and social interaction and promised to never take that job again...because a 17,000 peso salary is not enough to sacrifice my entire life.
How many of us are despised by our own family because we have not fulfilled their wishes? How many of us are ridiculed because we want to save something that others think is pointless.
Like some of my friends there are a lot of times where in I am not able to attend birthday parties. I am not able to provide gifts for my niece and nephews and most of the time I am not at home...I am somewhere else, traveling or listening to a newly written poem in a bookshop...
I have always been an activist...not the super active kind but I have had my share, in school when there are rallies agaisnt tuition fee increase I join them--we could easily pay my tuition but then after talking to a classmate whose parents are carpenters I felt the need to stand up for them, for those people who would not be able to pay their own tuition- i felt the need to join my classmate after he told me that he only has 20 pesos allowance everyday while our SLU internet card costs around 300.
I felt the need to expose the fact that our school Comfort rooms have no decent flush and toilets and after the protest I cannot help but smile because Louisians are now enjoying better schoo facilities than what we had.
Recently I have been called a radical woman for wanting to fight the biggest corporate giant in the country Henry Sy together with a lot of Baguio residents even those that are coming from abroad.
I stood there inside SM City baguio realizing how empty it was to have a brand new shoes...how empty it was to have beautiful clothes but an empty life devoid of meaning and happiness.
Because I have seen what it means to live and to sing and to be simple and to be creative that I want to share it--artists and genuine people exist and they taught me a lot of things I believe I have to share it---to defend it for as long as I could with people who believe...with people who others think are crazy for fighting Goliath.
Believe me when I say that the journey and the sacrifices have not been easy....my own family thinks I am doing something weird, something pointless, something stupid because it does not earn my loads of cash--but how will I tell them that in every step and every group I join I gain life.
Many of them tell me that I should just to Canada and I should just work there all my life, earn Canadian dollars, build a house, buy a car, wear fancy clothes, impress my friends with my brand new gadget every now and then. give birth to children who will have no fighting chance to enjoy this world because of how most systems work and then die.
If there is one thing I have realized in all of this rebellion against the normal things in life---I have realized that our duty is not just merely to our own family---because our real family is the world.
Our community and the people around us. Many times our own family members would not be able to understand what we are doing.
I have some of the most eccentric friends, friends who choose to dance near the bonfire for 4 hours. Friends who paint, who create art from junk, friends who sing their own tunes, friends who have devoted their lives to protecting the rights of others..people that they do not even know.
I have friends who when diagnosed by a psychiatrist would immediately fall into the category of clinically insane, with bipolar disorder and so and so. I guess the point here is that despite the idea that I am not successful because I do not own an Iphone5..despite the idea that I am not earning dollars and despite the idea that I am not able to provide thousands of pesos to my own family---- I am happy.
I chose this path and I am forever going to love it. I could have taken that nursing job but I think I would be sitting in a hospital somewhere hating myself because I did not heed what my heart wants.
Yes, I could be earning thousands of dollars and my family would be impressed with me big time...but then I would not be happy. I would not be happy because I have not searched the meaning of the questions I have asked earlier on.....I am not saying that money is not needed...I am just saying should it be the center of our world?
i love my life for what it is...as of this moment...i get to travel with friends, sit on the grass. Sing by the river...hear them play the guitar. I have seen people in trance mode. I have seen people who are happy despite the fact they have no money inside their wallet.
This people live without worry,they do not own huge malls or houses or cars...yet they are able to share... share life with people around them..with people like me.
You see...we have to fight for what we want in this life because according to a quote I have read...if we follow the dreams of our parents, siblings, teachers and any other person in the planet instead of ours...once we realize we are lonely we have no one to blame but ourselves.
I stil feel the sting and the pain when my own family asks me why I am not this or I am not that...but all of this pain is worth it. You cannot expect to be understood by everyone but then again...I still hope that in the future they will understand....
they will understand that our duty is not just to our own family...but to the world. If we can just go out of our own shell and give.. this world will have a fighting chance...
There are a lot of people like me, we do not fit into the stereotype of life and many parents, siblings, aunts and uncles question our mere existence--because we chose to live anothre kind of life. I dont wear a corporate suit, I do not go inside an office, I have no car...I walk...I walk hundreds of miles to take pictures of trees....
I am one of them, one of those individuals who chose to live my life according to my rules. I could have easily followed what my parents wanted me to be.
I could have taken up Nursing so that I can bring home thousands of dollars to my own family like majority of my classmates did. I could have chosen to become a doctor like my dad.
Instead I rebelled against the idea and took up Philosophy in College a so called non-existent course because it does not pay well and guess what all of those philosophical principles have led me to escape the idea of suicide--it taught me to question everything about my life--and to seek and to seek--a learning that thousands of dollars would not be able to convince me to do----
I took another course which is related to teaching--units in Social Studies-- I am a teacher and I have a license but I chose not to teach inside the classroom because I feel that even though it is a noble job that is not the path to learning because you wil get stuck inside a classroom--I hate routines.
I don't believe me should be grading children from 65-95..intelligence cannot be graded. I do not like correcting test papers. I only give public lectures for free because when I am inspired for the day and I want to share the feeling of inspiration and joy that I felt--i share it with friends...
In many ways I am still a teacher... a teacher who has chosen to teach a wider classroom--the world...I have no awards...no records of any paper trail from any company. I did try becoming a call center agent I ended up depressed due to the lack of sunshine and social interaction and promised to never take that job again...because a 17,000 peso salary is not enough to sacrifice my entire life.
How many of us are despised by our own family because we have not fulfilled their wishes? How many of us are ridiculed because we want to save something that others think is pointless.
Like some of my friends there are a lot of times where in I am not able to attend birthday parties. I am not able to provide gifts for my niece and nephews and most of the time I am not at home...I am somewhere else, traveling or listening to a newly written poem in a bookshop...
I have always been an activist...not the super active kind but I have had my share, in school when there are rallies agaisnt tuition fee increase I join them--we could easily pay my tuition but then after talking to a classmate whose parents are carpenters I felt the need to stand up for them, for those people who would not be able to pay their own tuition- i felt the need to join my classmate after he told me that he only has 20 pesos allowance everyday while our SLU internet card costs around 300.
I felt the need to expose the fact that our school Comfort rooms have no decent flush and toilets and after the protest I cannot help but smile because Louisians are now enjoying better schoo facilities than what we had.
Recently I have been called a radical woman for wanting to fight the biggest corporate giant in the country Henry Sy together with a lot of Baguio residents even those that are coming from abroad.
I stood there inside SM City baguio realizing how empty it was to have a brand new shoes...how empty it was to have beautiful clothes but an empty life devoid of meaning and happiness.
Because I have seen what it means to live and to sing and to be simple and to be creative that I want to share it--artists and genuine people exist and they taught me a lot of things I believe I have to share it---to defend it for as long as I could with people who believe...with people who others think are crazy for fighting Goliath.
Believe me when I say that the journey and the sacrifices have not been easy....my own family thinks I am doing something weird, something pointless, something stupid because it does not earn my loads of cash--but how will I tell them that in every step and every group I join I gain life.
Many of them tell me that I should just to Canada and I should just work there all my life, earn Canadian dollars, build a house, buy a car, wear fancy clothes, impress my friends with my brand new gadget every now and then. give birth to children who will have no fighting chance to enjoy this world because of how most systems work and then die.
If there is one thing I have realized in all of this rebellion against the normal things in life---I have realized that our duty is not just merely to our own family---because our real family is the world.
Our community and the people around us. Many times our own family members would not be able to understand what we are doing.
I have some of the most eccentric friends, friends who choose to dance near the bonfire for 4 hours. Friends who paint, who create art from junk, friends who sing their own tunes, friends who have devoted their lives to protecting the rights of others..people that they do not even know.
I have friends who when diagnosed by a psychiatrist would immediately fall into the category of clinically insane, with bipolar disorder and so and so. I guess the point here is that despite the idea that I am not successful because I do not own an Iphone5..despite the idea that I am not earning dollars and despite the idea that I am not able to provide thousands of pesos to my own family---- I am happy.
I chose this path and I am forever going to love it. I could have taken that nursing job but I think I would be sitting in a hospital somewhere hating myself because I did not heed what my heart wants.
Yes, I could be earning thousands of dollars and my family would be impressed with me big time...but then I would not be happy. I would not be happy because I have not searched the meaning of the questions I have asked earlier on.....I am not saying that money is not needed...I am just saying should it be the center of our world?
i love my life for what it is...as of this moment...i get to travel with friends, sit on the grass. Sing by the river...hear them play the guitar. I have seen people in trance mode. I have seen people who are happy despite the fact they have no money inside their wallet.
This people live without worry,they do not own huge malls or houses or cars...yet they are able to share... share life with people around them..with people like me.
You see...we have to fight for what we want in this life because according to a quote I have read...if we follow the dreams of our parents, siblings, teachers and any other person in the planet instead of ours...once we realize we are lonely we have no one to blame but ourselves.
I stil feel the sting and the pain when my own family asks me why I am not this or I am not that...but all of this pain is worth it. You cannot expect to be understood by everyone but then again...I still hope that in the future they will understand....
they will understand that our duty is not just to our own family...but to the world. If we can just go out of our own shell and give.. this world will have a fighting chance...
Sitting in the rain
Sitting in the rain
For several months now before going to sleep I see a vision of me sitting in a lake somewhere. Sometimes the lake is gentle with its movement, sometimes the lack looks dark and gloomy.
Sometimes I feel like someone is sitting beside me but I cannot see their face. I feel like I know them...
At times this person feels like a past lover or sometimes its a plain enigma. I have no idea I am not able to see their face, I can just sense the presence.
Other times when I feel tired or too calm I see myself lying down in a house made of bamboos.
I see white curtains flowing and I hear the strong trickling of the rain.
Perhaps my mind creates this things to calm me down and make me see the current emotional struggles I have inside.
There are times where I see a vision of me sitting beside a meeting room.
In this meeting room I talk to people I admire the most and I ask them questions about what should I do.
I converse with myself in a projection of somebody wise in the hopes that I would be able to get hold of my subconscious thoughts.
At times, the people inside the meeting room do not answer me at all.
I ask them questions about who do I really love and am I in love or if I am doing well with my life.
At some instances this characters begin to cry and I am not able to withstand the emotion and I just run out of the room
There are times where they actually answer something logical and it keeps me calm for several days, but today was really amazing.
After a month of not looking at me and just staring at the windows, one of the characters took a life of its own and started telling me,the words that I needed to hear.
This character told me that I need not contain love. Love is a vast ocean and anyone who attempts to contain it gets shattered.
We are living in a world where people tend to dominate each other, tend to show power by withdrawing their affection, by hiding who they are in order to appear stronger or to be in control and a lot of people die without even having a notion of what love really is.
For how many times have we heard the line that " whoever cares less" wins. For a very long time I thought I needed to play that card to put on some control over myself.
it is like hiding whoever I am inside out of the fear of being vulnerable. People are afraid to be vulnerable, to tell how they feel, they do not like to feel everything that goes along with it. But what they have to understand is that in order to get to a higher order...you need to experience everything..even the lowest kind of emotion and need..even lowest of the human physical need.
There are a lot of people who would rather wear a mask and hug the violence inside their heart. It's as if the violence and the pain and the hatred is a sort of power high that gets them going.
It works for a while...and then it disintegrates..it is likened to an actor that played the role of Joker, he got consumed by it..by the fear and the emotional pain that he had to die in his sleep.
For the first time in my 25 years of existence, after several years of seeing a vision of me sitting alone and talking to myself.
For the first time after several years of thinking that my being alone was sad and inexplicable, and for the first time after 25 years of being bored with myself and what I do and who I am I began to see a stream...a stream that is filled with gold. Or a gold replica of mirrors in my mind...it shattered..
After several years of thinking that I was alone in the vast universe, that I was plainly and inexplicably boring beyond doubt despite the many thing that I do. I was able to shatter a barrier in my mind.
I used to imagine myself sitting alone on top of a mountain or on top of a building during a strong storm or just a strong surge of rain, at times when I see this I feel nothing but pain and sorrow.
I always felt sorry for myself. After several years of wandering around the questions inside my head I was able to get past that and I was even able to get create a quote out of the experience.
Love is our state of being, it should be. It is not something that suddenly walks out of ourself once the circumstances change. Our love is not simply meant for humans alone but for the entire creation itself. Why do we always feel lonely in a vast universe that offers to cradle us every day of the week...
The trees, the flowers, the animals look brighter now. The word " alone" has gained a new meaning for me". Alone in the midst of the world turning round and round........and me dancing around the circles...
A lot of experiences have yet to be gained, but this learning has shattered a lot of wrong beliefs inside my head.
The journey to self love and self-discovery starts....
Sometimes I feel like someone is sitting beside me but I cannot see their face. I feel like I know them...
At times this person feels like a past lover or sometimes its a plain enigma. I have no idea I am not able to see their face, I can just sense the presence.
Other times when I feel tired or too calm I see myself lying down in a house made of bamboos.
I see white curtains flowing and I hear the strong trickling of the rain.
Perhaps my mind creates this things to calm me down and make me see the current emotional struggles I have inside.
There are times where I see a vision of me sitting beside a meeting room.
In this meeting room I talk to people I admire the most and I ask them questions about what should I do.
I converse with myself in a projection of somebody wise in the hopes that I would be able to get hold of my subconscious thoughts.
At times, the people inside the meeting room do not answer me at all.
I ask them questions about who do I really love and am I in love or if I am doing well with my life.
At some instances this characters begin to cry and I am not able to withstand the emotion and I just run out of the room
There are times where they actually answer something logical and it keeps me calm for several days, but today was really amazing.
After a month of not looking at me and just staring at the windows, one of the characters took a life of its own and started telling me,the words that I needed to hear.
This character told me that I need not contain love. Love is a vast ocean and anyone who attempts to contain it gets shattered.
We are living in a world where people tend to dominate each other, tend to show power by withdrawing their affection, by hiding who they are in order to appear stronger or to be in control and a lot of people die without even having a notion of what love really is.
For how many times have we heard the line that " whoever cares less" wins. For a very long time I thought I needed to play that card to put on some control over myself.
it is like hiding whoever I am inside out of the fear of being vulnerable. People are afraid to be vulnerable, to tell how they feel, they do not like to feel everything that goes along with it. But what they have to understand is that in order to get to a higher order...you need to experience everything..even the lowest kind of emotion and need..even lowest of the human physical need.
There are a lot of people who would rather wear a mask and hug the violence inside their heart. It's as if the violence and the pain and the hatred is a sort of power high that gets them going.
It works for a while...and then it disintegrates..it is likened to an actor that played the role of Joker, he got consumed by it..by the fear and the emotional pain that he had to die in his sleep.
For the first time in my 25 years of existence, after several years of seeing a vision of me sitting alone and talking to myself.
For the first time after several years of thinking that my being alone was sad and inexplicable, and for the first time after 25 years of being bored with myself and what I do and who I am I began to see a stream...a stream that is filled with gold. Or a gold replica of mirrors in my mind...it shattered..
After several years of thinking that I was alone in the vast universe, that I was plainly and inexplicably boring beyond doubt despite the many thing that I do. I was able to shatter a barrier in my mind.
I used to imagine myself sitting alone on top of a mountain or on top of a building during a strong storm or just a strong surge of rain, at times when I see this I feel nothing but pain and sorrow.
I always felt sorry for myself. After several years of wandering around the questions inside my head I was able to get past that and I was even able to get create a quote out of the experience.
" If you think you are alone walking in the rain, think again...because the rain pours down above the heavens and is now walking with you"-
Love is our state of being, it should be. It is not something that suddenly walks out of ourself once the circumstances change. Our love is not simply meant for humans alone but for the entire creation itself. Why do we always feel lonely in a vast universe that offers to cradle us every day of the week...
The trees, the flowers, the animals look brighter now. The word " alone" has gained a new meaning for me". Alone in the midst of the world turning round and round........and me dancing around the circles...
A lot of experiences have yet to be gained, but this learning has shattered a lot of wrong beliefs inside my head.
The journey to self love and self-discovery starts....
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