Sitting in the rain
For several months now before going to sleep I see a vision of me sitting in a lake somewhere. Sometimes the lake is gentle with its movement, sometimes the lack looks dark and gloomy.
Sometimes I feel like someone is sitting beside me but I cannot see their face. I feel like I know them...
At times this person feels like a past lover or sometimes its a plain enigma. I have no idea I am not able to see their face, I can just sense the presence.
Other times when I feel tired or too calm I see myself lying down in a house made of bamboos.
I see white curtains flowing and I hear the strong trickling of the rain.
Perhaps my mind creates this things to calm me down and make me see the current emotional struggles I have inside.
There are times where I see a vision of me sitting beside a meeting room.
In this meeting room I talk to people I admire the most and I ask them questions about what should I do.
I converse with myself in a projection of somebody wise in the hopes that I would be able to get hold of my subconscious thoughts.
At times, the people inside the meeting room do not answer me at all.
I ask them questions about who do I really love and am I in love or if I am doing well with my life.
At some instances this characters begin to cry and I am not able to withstand the emotion and I just run out of the room
There are times where they actually answer something logical and it keeps me calm for several days, but today was really amazing.
After a month of not looking at me and just staring at the windows, one of the characters took a life of its own and started telling me,the words that I needed to hear.
This character told me that I need not contain love. Love is a vast ocean and anyone who attempts to contain it gets shattered.
We are living in a world where people tend to dominate each other, tend to show power by withdrawing their affection, by hiding who they are in order to appear stronger or to be in control and a lot of people die without even having a notion of what love really is.
For how many times have we heard the line that " whoever cares less" wins. For a very long time I thought I needed to play that card to put on some control over myself.
it is like hiding whoever I am inside out of the fear of being vulnerable. People are afraid to be vulnerable, to tell how they feel, they do not like to feel everything that goes along with it. But what they have to understand is that in order to get to a higher order...you need to experience everything..even the lowest kind of emotion and need..even lowest of the human physical need.
There are a lot of people who would rather wear a mask and hug the violence inside their heart. It's as if the violence and the pain and the hatred is a sort of power high that gets them going.
It works for a while...and then it disintegrates..it is likened to an actor that played the role of Joker, he got consumed by it..by the fear and the emotional pain that he had to die in his sleep.
For the first time in my 25 years of existence, after several years of seeing a vision of me sitting alone and talking to myself.
For the first time after several years of thinking that my being alone was sad and inexplicable, and for the first time after 25 years of being bored with myself and what I do and who I am I began to see a stream...a stream that is filled with gold. Or a gold replica of mirrors in my mind...it shattered..
After several years of thinking that I was alone in the vast universe, that I was plainly and inexplicably boring beyond doubt despite the many thing that I do. I was able to shatter a barrier in my mind.
I used to imagine myself sitting alone on top of a mountain or on top of a building during a strong storm or just a strong surge of rain, at times when I see this I feel nothing but pain and sorrow.
I always felt sorry for myself. After several years of wandering around the questions inside my head I was able to get past that and I was even able to get create a quote out of the experience.
Love is our state of being, it should be. It is not something that suddenly walks out of ourself once the circumstances change. Our love is not simply meant for humans alone but for the entire creation itself. Why do we always feel lonely in a vast universe that offers to cradle us every day of the week...
The trees, the flowers, the animals look brighter now. The word " alone" has gained a new meaning for me". Alone in the midst of the world turning round and round........and me dancing around the circles...
A lot of experiences have yet to be gained, but this learning has shattered a lot of wrong beliefs inside my head.
The journey to self love and self-discovery starts....
Sometimes I feel like someone is sitting beside me but I cannot see their face. I feel like I know them...
At times this person feels like a past lover or sometimes its a plain enigma. I have no idea I am not able to see their face, I can just sense the presence.
Other times when I feel tired or too calm I see myself lying down in a house made of bamboos.
I see white curtains flowing and I hear the strong trickling of the rain.
Perhaps my mind creates this things to calm me down and make me see the current emotional struggles I have inside.
There are times where I see a vision of me sitting beside a meeting room.
In this meeting room I talk to people I admire the most and I ask them questions about what should I do.
I converse with myself in a projection of somebody wise in the hopes that I would be able to get hold of my subconscious thoughts.
At times, the people inside the meeting room do not answer me at all.
I ask them questions about who do I really love and am I in love or if I am doing well with my life.
At some instances this characters begin to cry and I am not able to withstand the emotion and I just run out of the room
There are times where they actually answer something logical and it keeps me calm for several days, but today was really amazing.
After a month of not looking at me and just staring at the windows, one of the characters took a life of its own and started telling me,the words that I needed to hear.
This character told me that I need not contain love. Love is a vast ocean and anyone who attempts to contain it gets shattered.
We are living in a world where people tend to dominate each other, tend to show power by withdrawing their affection, by hiding who they are in order to appear stronger or to be in control and a lot of people die without even having a notion of what love really is.
For how many times have we heard the line that " whoever cares less" wins. For a very long time I thought I needed to play that card to put on some control over myself.
it is like hiding whoever I am inside out of the fear of being vulnerable. People are afraid to be vulnerable, to tell how they feel, they do not like to feel everything that goes along with it. But what they have to understand is that in order to get to a higher order...you need to experience everything..even the lowest kind of emotion and need..even lowest of the human physical need.
There are a lot of people who would rather wear a mask and hug the violence inside their heart. It's as if the violence and the pain and the hatred is a sort of power high that gets them going.
It works for a while...and then it disintegrates..it is likened to an actor that played the role of Joker, he got consumed by it..by the fear and the emotional pain that he had to die in his sleep.
For the first time in my 25 years of existence, after several years of seeing a vision of me sitting alone and talking to myself.
For the first time after several years of thinking that my being alone was sad and inexplicable, and for the first time after 25 years of being bored with myself and what I do and who I am I began to see a stream...a stream that is filled with gold. Or a gold replica of mirrors in my mind...it shattered..
After several years of thinking that I was alone in the vast universe, that I was plainly and inexplicably boring beyond doubt despite the many thing that I do. I was able to shatter a barrier in my mind.
I used to imagine myself sitting alone on top of a mountain or on top of a building during a strong storm or just a strong surge of rain, at times when I see this I feel nothing but pain and sorrow.
I always felt sorry for myself. After several years of wandering around the questions inside my head I was able to get past that and I was even able to get create a quote out of the experience.
" If you think you are alone walking in the rain, think again...because the rain pours down above the heavens and is now walking with you"-
Love is our state of being, it should be. It is not something that suddenly walks out of ourself once the circumstances change. Our love is not simply meant for humans alone but for the entire creation itself. Why do we always feel lonely in a vast universe that offers to cradle us every day of the week...
The trees, the flowers, the animals look brighter now. The word " alone" has gained a new meaning for me". Alone in the midst of the world turning round and round........and me dancing around the circles...
A lot of experiences have yet to be gained, but this learning has shattered a lot of wrong beliefs inside my head.
The journey to self love and self-discovery starts....
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